Today's Joke

[Logan]

That's good.

 

[Upsy Daisy]

Why couldn't the gardener plant any flowers?
Because he hadn't botany.

 

[Upsy Daisy]

What do you call a country that drives only pink cars?
A pink carnation.

 

[Upsy Daisy]

Two old ladies were sat outside the marquee where a flower show was on.
One moaned to her friend ' we don't have much fun anymore '.
To which the other lady replied ' I'll bet you £5 you couldn't run naked through that marquee '.
Her friend responded by stripping off all her clothes and dashing off into the flower show venue.
Moments later cheering and a loud applause could be heard coming from inside.......her friend suddenly reappeared smiling broadly and proudly holding up a trophy.....' I won 1st place in the Best Dried Arrangements ' !!

 

[Upsy Daisy]

A man walks into his Drs with a carrot in one ear, a parsnip in the other and a Brussels sprout up both nostrils.
' Oh Dr ' he said ' what's wrong with me ' ??
' You need to eat more sensibly '!!

 

[Logan]

@Upsy Daisy they're good.

The only one i can remember is

If a person isn't a man or woman, where would they or it live?

Middlesex

 

[Sean Regan]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."


RESEARCHERS FOR THE MINISTRY OF TRANSPORT FOUND OVER 200 DEAD CROWS ON THE M25 RECENTLY,

AND THERE WAS CONCERN THAT THEY MAY HAVE DIED FROM AVIAN FLU.

A BIRD PATHOLOGIST EXAMINED THE REMAINS OF ALL THE CROWS, AND, TO EVERYONE'S RELIEF,
CONFIRMED THE PROBLEM WAS DEFINITELY NOT AVIAN FLU.

THE CAUSE OF DEATH APPEARED TO BE VEHICULAR IMPACTS.

HOWEVER, DURING THE DETAILED ANALYSIS IT WAS NOTED THAT VARYING COLOURS OF PAINTS APPEARED ON THE BIRD'S BEAKS AND CLAWS.

BY ANALYSING THESE PAINT RESIDUES IT WAS DETERMINED THAT 98% OF THE CROWS HAD BEEN KILLED BY IMPACT WITH TRUCKS, WHILE ONLY 2% WERE KILLED BY AN IMPACT WITH A CAR.

MINISTRY OF TRANSPORT THEN HIRED AN ORNITHOLOGICAL BEHAVIOURIST TO DETERMINE IF THERE WAS A CAUSE FOR THE DISPROPORTIONATE PERCENTAGES OF TRUCK KILLS VERSUS CAR KILLS.

THE ORNITHOLOGICAL BEHAVIOURIST VERY QUICKLY CONCLUDED THE CAUSE:

--- WHEN CROWS EAT ROAD KILL, THEY ALWAYS HAVE A LOOK-OUT CROW IN A NEARBY TREE TO WARN OF IMPENDING DANGER.

THEY DISCOVERED THAT WHILE ALL THE LOOKOUT CROWS COULD SHOUT "CAH!"

NOT A SINGLE ONE COULD SHOUT "TRUCK! "

 

[Sean Regan]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

he said with a deep sigh ........... .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.

 

[marlingardener]

A couple were shopping at their local grocery, and the husband picked up a 24 pack of beer for $10. "What are you doing?," asked the wife. "We can't afford that!" and made him put it back on the shelf.
A few aisles later she picked up a container of face cream at $24. "What are you doing?" asked the husband. "It makes me look beautiful," she said.
He replied, "So does 24 beers, and it's half the price!"

 

[Upsy Daisy]

Brilliant ....all of them!!!. This thread certainly makes you smile

 

[headfullofbees]

A bloke goes into a pub & asks, "Do you get 5 foot penguins?"
The barman says, "No!"
"Oh shit! I've just run over a nun!"

 

[riverbill]

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

 

[Sean Regan]